The Things She Carried

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Like many women embarrassed by their enormous purse, I frequently joke that within my bag’s cavernous walls, I keep “my life.”

This statement proved more accurate than ridiculous yesterday when I unexpectedly found myself caught in a rainstorm downtown. As the drops began to fall, I hopefully plunged my hand into the dark abyss of my well worn Louis Vuitton Neverfull GM bag and withdrew an adorable cheetah print umbrella that, frankly, I forgot I had! Slipping my new Tory Burch leather flats into the safety of the bag, I put on the pair of ratty flip flops I keep stored for rain and high heel emergencies. Sprinting through the downpour I scrapped my toe on a piece of jagged sidewalk. I ducked into a nearby Starbucks to tend to the wound with a band aid and individual-sized packet of bacitracin kept for just such an instance. After quickly touching up my badly running makeup with some totable beauty essentials, I exited into the storm and crossed over to my street. Withdrawing my building key from a small side zip inside my bag, I entered the lobby only to run into a former work acquaintance. Casually extracting a business card and extra resume I keep filed in my bag (just in case), I headed upstairs to my apartment.

Once there, I pondered the bag's amazing dexterity. In addition to the usually contents--two hairbrushes, five individually wrapped extra contact lenses, ten assorted lip glosses ranging from YSL to Chapstick, my checkbook, three mechanical pencils (I wouldn't dare store a pen for fear of ink explosion), a doggie doo doo bag, a pack of tissues, a checkbook, a travel sized deodorant, four rubber bands, a toothbrush, a bottle of ibuprofen, a tube of hand cream, two tampons, two pairs of sunglasses (giant, crystal encrusted Chanel’s for formal affairs and funky, Ray Band Wayfarers for more hip events), half a dozen assorted business cards, two half full bottles of water, an iPhone charger, a can of pepper spray, a Kate Spade makeup case so full it that will barely zip shut and two bobby pins--the bag provides something else...
An oversized bag endows the owner with a sense of safety and preparedness. Like a rabbit being pulled from a magician’s top hat, whatever is needed at the moment of crisis seems to magically appear from deep within the chaotic mess of the purse. The inconvenience of the bag’s mammoth girth and backbreaking mass are nothing in light of an oversized bag's mysterious prowess. No chic clutch or sleek shoulder bag can compare.

The red imprints the Neverfull’s slender straps leave embedded in my shoulder don’t seem so bad now when I consider that the bag is hanging with the weight of, well, my life. So the next time my boyfriend points to the elephant hanging from my arm and asks, irritated, if it is “really necessary for you to bring that bag out” I will confidentially inform him that it is. After all, we never know if today is the day we are attacked by pirates or bitten by poisonous snakes. And if it is, we are prepared.

By Maggie Winterfeldt